Everybody's Wrong But Me

Published in TheSource (www.thelasource.com) in July 2006.

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When I was asked to write an article on a specific cultural experience, it took me a bit less than a second to come up with an idea.

I was born in Québec of French parents. I have been living in the West for six years, and recently went on a trip to South America. Open-minded, curious and always willing to learn about the many cultures of the world, I though that I was (oh, silly me!) immune to what is usually called “the culture chock”.

Recently, I got engaged. Thank you, and no, I don’t know the wedding date. Obviously, I had to inform my future parents-in-law of the good news. Knowing them for almost two years, I thought the situation was under control and I had, in my mind, prepared a few scenarios of what their reaction might be. Just one little detail, my fiancée is Chinese.

My fiancée’s parents are very nice and always treat me with a lot of respect, but they speak very little English and even less French (I exaggerate a little – her mother manages to get by in English). And the eight Cantonese words that I can say without creating too much laughter are not enough to have profound conversations.

Having invited my future parents-in-law to the restaurant with a speech prepared (in Chinese), I shared my intention to marry their daughter. Their reaction was, to my Westerner eyes, very puzzling. In a few seconds, the situation went from “good news!” to “professional interview”.

Their very serious reaction surprised and shocked me. I was asking myself why they think I’m not good for their daughter. What is so troubling to them that they ask me so many questions? In addition, Jenny (my fiancée), was very calm and seemed to be almost enjoying herself. In face of such unforeseen reactions, I opted for cautiousness. I shut up and ate my dim sum!

It is true that it was a bit naïve of me to expect an enthusiastic reaction from them. It has been almost three years since I was dating their daughter. They were expecting sooner or later that we were going to get engaged. Nevertheless, I was shocked.

Later, after talking to my Chinese friends, I understood that her parents’ reaction was normal. For them, asking questions meant that they approved our intentions. They just wanted to know the details of our project: our lives, future, children, etc… all questions to which for which I was not prepared.

In Latin societies, reactions are generally more… joyful. We open Champagne, hug each other, etc. The details of the wedding and married life… we’ll see later, in a few days or weeks. But in Chinese culture, an event so important must be dealt with seriousness, and the ceremony plans must be established as soon as possible. After it is all done, then we can have fun.

I got out of the experience a bit chocked, but more importantly, humbler. Ready for a new experience that is much more difficult: preparing my wedding!

Frédéric Van Caenegem

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